Tributes vs Vampires
by crisskisses
Summary: Katniss Everdeen has won the rebellion and citizens from all Districts are now living in the New Colony. President Snow is angry and sets up a new competition where Katniss, Peeta, Gale, Madge & Haymitch must play in challenges against Edward Cullen.
1. New Colony, Meet Edward Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games, Twilight, Harry Potter, the Jonas Brother, Gossip Girl, Lestat de Lioncourt or anything else famous mentioned in this fiction.**

**I really hope you enjoy it, it was so fun to write! Even if you hate Twilight you should read it if you like THG! Twilight is mainly made fun of (though I did like it) here…**

**I mention a lot of things (music, books, TV shows) in this fic that Panem probably wouldn't have, as it's hundreds of years in the future. In my mind, the technology, music, and books are just like old music coming back in style and the TV shows have to be played in reruns because the Capitol's not allowed to broadcast the Games anymore so they need more programming.**

**This is post rebellion, and I didn't kill anyone off because I didn't want to :)**

Prologue

President Snow banged his fist into the meeting hall table as his colleagues rambled out suggestions on how to annoy the treacherous Katniss Everdeen.

'I hate that Katniss Everdeen, with her stupid pyromania disorder and unfathomable obsession with meddlesome song birds! Ever since the Mockingjay Forces defeated us…."

The hall went silent. They didn't like to think about their loss of power. It was true, the Capitol still ordered around the citizens who lived there and from many other Districts, but the whole population of their servants had depleted greatly, and many were escaping every day. All because of that Katniss Everdeen, that lovesick bread boy, that grumpy not-cousin, the drunken mentor, and piano girl the poor Capitol could not even hold their precious Hunger Games anymore. The Mockingjay Society and the rebel's numbers had grown so much during the rebellion, plus the District 13 survivors still had nuclear bombs, so the Capitol was pretty much at their mercy. Luckily, Katniss and the others agreed that if they were left alone, they would return the favor.

"What exactly is it that you want to do, President Snow?" asked Vice President Rane, no one was positively clear on why Snow had called the meeting, but when he called a meeting you'd better go or risk becoming an Avox. Plus, he had many other tortuous methods such as making you listen Jonas CDs. The Jonas Brothers were a very old, and bad, band who's CDs were just unearthed from an architectural site weeks earlier. They say they were so bad that even the Jabberjays would not repeat their song. Secretly, though, President Snow quite liked the oldest boy called Kevin.

"Well, Rane," Snow said huffily, "If we make Katniss Everdeen look incompetent in front of the nation, then, they will be less likely to follow her as a leader. I'm proposing a televised competition, sadly not of the fight to the death variety, but we will make sure Katniss Everdeen loses and all her followers see her epic fail!"

"Oh yeah, I get it!" bubbled Effie Trinket. No one knew why she was there, but no one questioned it. "Plus, if you get Katniss and Peeta to be on TV again, then the nation might be back on your side!"

"Whose side are you on Effie?" asked an anonymous member of the council. Effie shrugged, but you should pay attention to that bit of foreshadowing, for it will resurface later.

"But," continued another member, "How are you going to get Katniss to agree to this competition?"

"That is a fair question," Snow mused. "Luckily, I have the answer. No one, not even Katniss Everdeen, can resist the charm of a sparkling, exquisite vampire."

"What exquisite vampire do you know? It's Lestat de Lioncourt isn't it?" asked a council member who was currently obsessed with Anne Rice novels.

"No you idiot!" President Snow fumed.

He for one was so angry when Lestat woke the Queen of the Damned from her grave, that he had written him off his BFF list. Plus, he never enjoyed the movie adaptations of the Vampire Chronicles. It was his worst fear that The Hunger Games movie would turn out like them.

"Luckily I have this much better vampire on speed dial," Snow continued. He then picked up his cell phone, checked his Farmville updates (his strawberries were in dire need of water), and then called his number one speed dial.

The council members were silent when he was on the phone, a polite custom taught to Capitol children at a young age.

"Hello,

"How are you?

"Are you in the middle of anything of late?

"Oh no, not the Volturi!

"Yes well, Dakota Fanning's not particularly scary dear. Now me, there's a real villain.

"Would you like to help me with something? There's this meddlesome girl that needs to be taught a lesson. I believe you're the only one that can do it.

"Yes, I'm talking about Katniss Everdeen. How did you know?

"There are rumors that Kristen Stewart might audition to play her? NO!

"You don't want her to do it? Yes our fandom agrees. But Mitch Hewer, he would make a great Peeta,

"So you'll do it? Splendid! Come over at once!"

President Snow clicked off the phone after the council listened to his side of the conversation. They waited with baited breath for the guest to arrive and when he did it was Effie's scream that greeted him.

"OMG, ITS EDWARD CULLEN!"

And it was. Edward Cullen's crooked smile flashed from the doorway, his bronze hair was as perfectly tousled as ever. Pristine white skin sparkled in the sunlight that streamed in through the glass window, and his eyes were a buttery brown. That was the great thing about vampires, you could always tell when they were hungry and you should offer them a snack.

"Alright," he said in his velvet voice. "What's the plan?"

Meanwhile, Haymitch had just finished his seventy-eighth (exaggeration) bottle of vodka and the rest of the gang was lounging around the dense forest that surrounded the New Colony. Gale was unsuccessfully trying to teach Madge how to set a snare, while Peeta painted a picture of them.

"That looks nothing like me," said Gale indignantly, "My arms look like twigs!"

"Exactly," said Peeta quietly. He thought no one heard him, but Katniss did and hit him softly. Sure, Peeta and Gale had had their differences but now that Gale was dating Madge they got along better. Not well, but better, as in they weren't trying to rip each others throats out every two seconds (exaggeration again).

Over their chatter, a buzzing noise sort of like a fan seemed to be advancing through the air. Katniss, Peeta, Gale, Madge, and Haymitch knew that sound well enough to know that it was a helicopter. Katniss looked at Haymitch and he looked gravely back.

"Who could it be?" asked Madge worriedly.

"I have hunch," returned Gale darkly.

Peeta wrapped his arms around Katniss's shoulders tightly and she reached for the bow and arrows she took everywhere now. Looking up, they saw a person that they never wanted to see again in the passenger seat of the copter. It was President Snow and he looked angry.

"No! What do they want from us now!" shrieked Madge, and Gale comforted her.

When the copter touched down noisily the trees rustled in the breeze and Prim and Mrs. Everdeen ran over, sensing that their third member was in danger.

And though Edward Cullen had tried to convince many people, including Bella Swan, in the past that he was dangerous, really he just looked like a super hot male model when he strutted out of the helicopter.

. Katniss dropped her bow instantly, she was not the type of girl who usually took looks into consideration (Peeta's hotness was just a bonus) she had resisted Finnick Odair after all, but Edward Cullen was a different story.

"Who is that glorious creature?" she breathed. Madge smiled in a way that was too flirtatious for her usual meek demeanor. The two girls seemed to melt in a pool of love, and you could almost see the fireworks going off in the day lit sky.

Gale and Peeta looked at each other and agreed on perhaps the first thing they had agreed upon since the importance of Katniss's safety.

"I hate that guy," they said together. Gale wondered if he would have the romantic chops to compete with him and Peeta sighed at the amount of cookies he would have to bake to have a shot at his beloved's heart now.

A love song was playing softly in the background as Katniss and Madge were entranced by the vampire's presence.

"Where's that music coming from?" Peeta asked, annoyed.

"Oh, this?" answered Edward charmingly. "That's just my iPod Touch." He pulled the old school electronic device out of his slacks pocket and it beeped alarmingly. "Oh, don't worry," he said to a startled Katniss and Madge, "That's just an alert telling me about some new news on the Eclipse movie. There's an app for that. There's an app perfect for you on the iPod touch, even vampires love them,"

He then stared into some invisible camera to the left and smiled. The others were not accustomed to impromptu infomercials so they did not catch on. They also were not aware of the vampire marketing campaign Steve Jobs had just launched. By then, Snow had walked over too, and was much less welcome than Edward.

"What do you want, Snow?" Haymitch bellowed and Katniss got back her senses and picked up the bow and arrow again and prepared to shoot the President.

"Hang on," said Edward in a suave fashion, "Let's be hasty now. We haven't even begun to get to know each other," He placed a hand on her shoulder and she looked up dazzled.

If it was possible for Peeta to scowl the event would have taken place then.

"We were just wondering," said Edward, as Katniss melted some more, "If you are interested in a little friendly competition?"

All Katniss could do was nod and Madge joined in even though the question hadn't been directed to her

"Great!" President Snow clapped his big hands. "Now, I will tell you the rules to this shindig,"

"What?" Gale asked, aghast. "She is not in a fit state to answer important questions right now. Don't any of our opinions matter?"

"No," answered President Snow swiftly.

"Don't worry, Gale," said Katniss, "Edward's not going to hurt us," Edward smiled benignly.

"Yes Gale, you're being impolite,' Madge scolded, and Edward put his free arm, the one that wasn't around Katniss, around her skinny shoulders.

"Hold on a second," Haymitch began, "Who the heck is this guy?"

"Wow, Haymitch," Prim huffed. "Do you live under a rock? He's only Edward Cullen, the vegetarian vampire hero from the Twilight series? I personally think Jacob Black is better at least he didn't leave Bella unprotected in a forest!"

Edward looked outraged and sad.

"He was trying to protect her Prim!" shouted Madge. "Even Katniss knows that and the only book she reads is how to kill the President in three easy steps,"

Now President Snow looked aghast, "Who published that book? I must have them assassinated immediately. Anyways, back to the rules. Seeing as you already agreed to the competition. We are going to broadcast five days of you five competing in challenges against Edward here. There will be no death at all, sadly, but it will be broadcasted across Panem, like the good old days. Since I'm in a good mood today, possibly because Blair and Dan seemed like they were going to get together in the last episode of Gossip Girl I watched, I'm going to let you pick what you want the competitions to be. What are you best at? Think about it. You must tell me what the first competition, which will take place tomorrow, will be soon."

Haymitch, Katniss, Peeta, Gale, and Madge huddled together and thought about it. After a while they put their hands in and shouted "MOCKINGJAY FORCES!" in a sports team fashion. Peeta and Gale were still feeling rather betrayed by their girlfriends but that would have to be dealt with later.

"Well?" asked the President curiously. "What will Edward be competing in."

"A cake-off," said Gale steadily.

"Against me," Peeta finished.

**Tune in next time for the Cake-Off of the century, info on President Snow's Glee obsession, and Peeta and Gale's growing friendship, I mean tolerance, of each other.**


	2. The CakeOff

**So here's the next chapter…hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 2

The announcement of the cake-off hanging in the air was such an intimidating event that even Edward stopped playing with his iPod touch to marvel in astonishment. How could he beat this baker boy (Edward knew Peeta was talented in baking because of his uncanny ability to read minds) at a cake making contest? He didn't even eat for crying out loud! But, he reminded himself, he did watch top chef and Hell's Kitchen. Also, he was Edward Cullen.

"Alright," President Snow said, bringing Edward back into the present. "A cake-off it is. Edward and Peeta will have one hour to make their cakes, at 11:00 AM tomorrow. An array of ingredients will be flown in and there will be a panel of judges."

On that note, the President stepped back into his helicopter and expected Edward to follow. The thing was, Edward didn't follow. Edward was still standing with Katniss and Madge. All three of them were admiring Snow's word choice of "array".

"Come along, Edward!" Snow called with the same mannerisms one would use when beckoning a puppy. He even clucked his tongue for effect.

Edward then walked up to the copter, but before entering he shouted out.

"Good luck, bread boy. I have a thousand years of experience in this art!"

Peeta Mellark was fuming. Not only had this Edward person attempted to steal his girlfriend, he was working with President Snow and now he was trying to take the one thing Peeta had left; the art of the bakery. He thought furiously about what he could do, he could put garlic in his cake! That way he could poison that beastly creature! But wait, Edward wouldn't be one of the tasters. Plans foiled again. Besides, Edward could read his thoughts, what an ungainly advantage.

"What are we going to do?" asked Prim faintly. "We can't let that soul-eating monster win!"

"Tell me about it," said Peeta and Gale nodded. Madge and Katniss were still drooling over Edward. The boys glared at them.

"Hey!" said Katniss, waving a hand around, "We can see those glares, we're standing right here,"

There was a peculiar sort of tension between the boys and girls, who were currently at the ripe old age of twenty. Haymitch shook his head.

"At least you guys now know how Jacob Black feels," Prim muttered.

"Oh please," huffed Madge. "Could you stop these Team Jacob-y antics? Edward Cullen is the sole reason why I learned to play Bella's Lullaby on piano."

"Edward's too overprotective. I mean, a lullaby, really?" reasoned Prim.

"I thought you liked my lullaby," Katniss said, looking hurt.

"Alright!" shouted Haymitch. "I can now tell this is not just a hallucination from my drinking, so we should prepare."

"Please," said Katniss. "This is a cake competition we're talking about. And this is Peeta we're talking about! He can just make that triple Decker milk chocolate strawberry layer lava cake that he made me for my birthday. You know, the year that Gale just gave me a dead squirrel.

"Hey!" said Gale, "That squirrel was the best thing I caught that day!"

"That was the only thing you caught that day," said Peeta quietly.

The fact that that Gale did not lash out at him was a mark on how dire the Edward situation was. Peeta and Gale needed to stick together.

Madge cringed, silently realizing something. "Oh dear, I wonder what he'll get me for my birthday," she said.

"I don't know, Madge," consoled Katniss. "I don't know."

"Just listen to you kids. You aren't even going to practice when the competition is tomorrow? You think because it's a cake-off and we have Peeta on our side you don't have to try? You know what this is reminding me of? This is reminding me of when the McKinley High Glee Club won Sectionals and then they lost their motivation! What would Mr. Schuester say at a time like this?"

The gang hung their heads in shame. Haymitch was right, Mr. Schue would be disappointed in them.

Everyone's common knowledge of Glee and other TV shows proved how much new programming the Capitol had to provide now that the Hunger Games weren't a yearly event.

"So what are we gonna do?" asked Haymitch with a pep rally nature.

"Sing songs?" asked Prim uncertainly.

"No!" shouted Haymitch, "Peeta is going to perfect his cake for tomorrow and we are all going to help. During the contest he'll have to make his cake on the spot and I don't know if we'll be allowed to assist in any way, but we have to be trained for all circumstances."

With that, they trouped off to Peeta's place to learn the culinary arts. The room dedicated to baking had three ovens and was jam packed with all the ingredients anyone could ever want, and a few that no one ever would. They huffed and they puffed, in a big bad wolf fashion, although they did not blow the house down, until they knew considerably more about baking then they did before. Granted, considerably more for them was considerably less than the average dolphin would know about baking, but Peeta was a patient teacher...when he wasn't being distracted.

Right now, for instance, he was being cute/creepy with Katniss and the flour. They were throwing it on each other and then brushing it off in a fit of giggles. The Edward incident was clearly forgotten, for now.

"Hey Peeta, why do you have Finding Nemo stickers on all the fronts of your ovens?" asked Gale randomly, managing to gesture to the schools of colourful fish that adorned the kitchen appliances and ruin the creepy/cute moment at the same time.

"Finding Nemo is a classic," Peeta said. Everyone agreed that it was.

Two hours later, baking didn't seem as fun. Peeta had them using crazy ingredients such as onions (explaining everyone's teary eyes), pepper, and, alas, garlic. He claimed that they were practicing with these for in case Snow tried to sabotage them by only giving them selected bad ingredients to use in the challenge. It was believable, in theory, but when they were actually preparing cakes with anchovies and marmalade...

"I've inhaled so much pepper that my oesophagus hurts," complained Katniss wearily. "I know pain, and I didn't even know oesophaguses could hurt."

Peeta kissed her neck, "Poor oesophagus," he stated simply. Looking around and seeing his friends with pained oesophaguses (or would that be oesophagi?) broke him. "I think we practiced enough now," he said.

Everyone cheered and got up from their death-like flour-covered poses. Haymitch picked up his man purse or satchel as he liked to call it, reasoning that Indiana Jones has one. The contents of the bag scattered because it either had a pre-existing rip or was cut on a hap hazardously placed butter knife. Either way, credit cards from Haymitch's wallet spilled all over the floor.

Katniss helped him hurriedly picked up the cards until she found an intriguing hot pink one.

"Haymitch, why do you have a coupon to Margaritaville?" she asked.

"Because it's Cinco de Mayo," Haymitch answered, as if that explained every question anyone could ever have, including how Lost ends.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Madge, who also noted that today was not Cinco de Mayo.

"It's a holiday for getting drunk, just like Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Halloween, Easter, Arbour Day, Labour Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Pony Day, Thanksgiving, Canadian Thanksgiving, Independence Day, New Years Eve, Valentine's Day, Victoria Day, Birthdays, International Pie Day-"

Gale stopped him with, "Is there any holiday that's not for getting drunk Haymitch?"

"Nope," said Haymitch gruffly, waltzing out the door and slamming it shut, "We better win tomorrow."

The others, who hadn't heard him and were still inside, contemplated the issue of Cinco de Mayo. There had to be another reason for it, there re ally had to.

On the morning of the cake-off, Haymitch was still getting over his hangover, so he was absent from the challenge. The camera crews were flown in just before the President and Edward Cullen arrived.

Our party of Katniss, Peeta, Madge, Gale, and Prim were standing at one end of an enormous outdoor kitchen. The adversary, Edward and the two helpers he brought with him, Bella and Renesmee, were on the other side. As you might have guessed, Peeta also had two people helping him in the event. Madge and Katniss to be exact. It was true that Katniss was a horrible cook, but Madge was alright.

"Why didn't you pick me?" Gale asked when the choosing took place.

"Well, Gale, I'm pretty sure your only cooking experience involves skinning a squirrel,"

Gale was silent. Peeta took out h is trusty recipe book. The event was starting in ten minutes. The camera was counting down, they'd be live in five….four…three….two….one!

"Hello viewers of Panem," said President Snow. "Now, I'm very sorry to interrupt the Glee marathon we're currently showing, believe me I wanted to watch it to! But we have more important matters at stake. You may remember these rebels who ruined my life –I mean, started a rebellion, a few years back. Well today I will show you that they are not as amazing as they think. Katniss Everdeen, you think you're all that! But you're not! So today she and her fellow companions will be competing in the first of many competitions against Edward Cullen, a cake-off!"

The cameramen gasped.

"We will have three celebrity judges judging the cakes today. As you know, the recent break-through in resurrection technology has made it possible for us to bring people back from the dead. How else would we be having new episodes of Glee next fall? So, the judges are, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, and, my personal favorite, Simon Cowell!"

"What do they know about cakes?" Peeta muttered angrily, but it was lost under Paula's mindless cheering.

Peeta, Katniss and Madge broke off from the group and went to their side of the kitchen. A wall of glass separated them from Edward, Bella, and Renesmee, but that couldn't stop Katniss and Madge from entranced by Edward's beauty. Minutes remained before the cake-off would begin and the teams started trash talking each other.

"Hey you!" Katniss shouted to Renesmee. The little vampire turned to her. "Yeah, I'm talking to you! I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I mean, think of sad I would be if our franchise ended with Peeta and I having a daughter and then Gale imprinting on her. That's right!"

"Oh burn!" shouted the others.

"You're just mad," Bella said to Katniss, "That I already have Kristen Stewart to play me so you can't have her!"

Katniss was affronted. "How dare you say something like that?"

"Yeah!" shouted Madge, "Bella, maybe you should go buy a personality! They have them on sale at Wal-Mart!"

"Uh well at least I'm not a sullen scowler like her!"

"Oh no, you did not just insult Katniss," said Peeta. "It's on. Someone, go get me my monogrammed oven mitts."

Madge quickly rushed to get them just before the buzzer sounded. The cake-off had begun. Katniss, Madge and Peeta huddled together.

"Are we still making the triple Decker milk chocolate strawberry layer lava cake?"

"Yes," said Peeta. "Let me just find the recipe." He flipped through the book, but, to his horror it wasn't a recipe book at all.

"That's not you're recipe book is it?" asked Katniss.

"No, this is the Deluxe Twilight sticker kit. This is sabotage!" said Peeta ominously, but then as an after thought, "But, hey, I can add these to my collection!"

"Peeta!" said Katniss, "This is not the time to be thinking about your sticker collection."

Peeta shook his head. She was right. If Katniss was making an effort to resist Edward, he could at least try to ignore the stickers. "We'll have to improvise," he said.

The group was off to a shaky start. Even though they had totally won the trash talking session, it didn't help that Katniss and Madge kept being momentarily stunned by Edward. They could Prim and Gale cheering from the side lines, and Paula clapping for some reason.

"Yeah, make those cakes dawgs!" said Randy.

"Madge, pickles do not go with Oreos!" Peeta shouted.

"But you said to improvise!"

"Alright, times up, put the cakes in the oven," ordered the President. Edward put his in smugly but Peeta was still hurriedly adding to the other group's concoction. Finally, he pried his fingers away from the batter and let the masterpiece fry.

_Ding! _Went the ovens simultaneously and the cakes were brought to the judges.

"Peeta's first, said the President. Each judge took a forkful.

"Yo dawg, there's something funky goin' on with this cake, it's a little pitchy. Baby, this just isn't dawg-pound material."

Peeta frowned. It had to be the pickles.

"Well," piped up Paula, "I really appreciate your effort, and you look great. Those monogrammed oven mitts really complete the ensemble,"

"Well," said Simon. "I've had worse cakes but this felt very karaoke to me."

The group sucked in a breath. It did not look good. Edward, Bella, and Renesmee took the spot in front of the judges next and presented their cake. All the judges took a bite, but they did not all get to speak because Simon spat out his piece and started shouting.

"Eww! What is this! It's absolutely dreadful. What did you put in here?"

"My blood, the sweetest thing in the world."

The judges looked aghast.

"It's like a drug to me, like my own personal brand of hero-"

"HA!" shouted Peeta. "Looks like they've been using performance enhancement drugs!"

Everyone gasped. It was true.

"Well," said President Snow, "Who really, really minds? I mean, Edward's cake was obviously better. Just look at the Presentation,"

"No." said Simon. "I'm sorry, President, but this violates our standards completely. Peeta's cake wins by default."

"Whoo!" they cheered.

High fives ensued and Haymitch appeared on the horizon. The group ran over to him, but not before Peeta had thanked Edward for the new sticker book.

"Did we win?" asked Haymitch drunkenly.

"Oh course!" shouted Katniss. "We had Peeta on our side!"

"Actually we won by default," Peeta muttered.

"Not so fast," President Snow interrupted the celebration. You may have won this round, but there's still four to go. Since you won, you do get to pick the next challenge. So what's it to be?"

No one spoke until Katniss looked at Haymitch and had an idea. "A drinking contest," she proclaimed. The others nodded.

"Yeah," said Haymitch. "We've got this one in the bag."

**Tune in next time for shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, EVERBODY!**


	3. The Drinking Contest

**Hey guys! My exams are all done and I made honor roll again (yeah!). What does this mean from you? Well not much but I'll be updating this and my other fanfic The Mockingjay (please check it out?) a lot more frequently.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Glee, Idina Menzel, Wicked, Gossip Girl, Stephenie Meyer, ooorrr the Hunger Games.**

Chapter 3

Since Haymitch had been practicing, against Katniss's warning, for the drinking contest he still had a major hangover when it was time to leave for the stadium. It was a hangover that he hoped the drinking contest would cure, for Haymitch was a constant supporter of the vicious circle of alcohol abuse. Of course, Katniss and Peeta had once tried to sign him up for alcoholics anonymous, but the whole thing hadn't gone very well. An incident involving a smashed window, a glittery golf club, and Haymitch shouting about a promiscuous lost duck ended in an epic failure where the head of the group banned the little trio from ever coming back.

Edward Cullen, on the other sparkly hand, had not practiced for the contest prior because he had trouble digesting liquids that weren't, you know, blood. Instead he we was watching Glee with President Snow and shedding a tear when Shelby adopted Quin's baby and named her Beth to go along with Puck's wishes. They both agreed that Finn's suggestion of Drizzle would've been a much better name for the girl.

The subject of the character Shelby, lead them to the actress who portrays her, Idina Menzel, which led then to how excited they were that the original Broadway cast of Wicked would be touring again, thanks to the awesome resurrection technology the Capitol had recently developed.

When some time had passed and both parties, Edward flanked by Bella and Renesmee and Katniss and Peeta accompanying Haymitch, joined President Snow and the table of shot glasses in the middle of the televised ring. Each competitor was allowed two helpers in case of the worst case scenario: passing out. In this case, one person would hold the drinker up and the other would pour the alcohol down the drinker's throat. This would continue until the drinker looked in danger of death and would be forced to forfeit. Since Katniss and Peeta had seen Haymitch's drinking capacity many times in the past, they reckoned they had a pretty good chance at winning this event.

"Welcome, welcome citizens of Panem to another of my ingenious attempts to thwart the treacherous Katniss Everdeen. Today we will watch as her foolish old mentor Haymitch Abernathy tries to out drink the charming vampire Edward Cullen. The rules of this event are simple: drink as much as you can without dying, we are pretty strict about the not dying part these days, even though in past televised competitions death has been the main focus of the Game. Also, if we see you spit out your drink you will be immediately disqualified. And you can't blow up the arena by shooting an arrow at the force field."

He said all of this very fast and ended with an enormous cough that sounded strangely like "Katniss."

"The competition will commence in three,"

Haymitch and Edward glared angrily at each other. The effect of this was lightly off-putting because of Haymitch's lazy eye; no one was sure if it was a side effect of his drinking or if he was born with it, but no one was about to ask.

"Two,"

Their fingers twitched in the direction of the shot glasses; the audience leaned forwards in their seats.

"One!"

Haymitch downed five shots in the first few seconds. Katniss and Peeta looked intently at him for the verdict.

"Pfft," Haymitch scoffed between glasses. "I could do this in my sleep,"

Katniss and Peeta nodded because they had seen Haymitch do it.

The amount of shots on the Mockingjay team's side dwindled down but on the other side of the field Edward was having issues. Spluttering down the nasty liquid was hard for him, as any human substance was difficult for any vampire to consume. But Edward struggled on despite Prim's shouts of "soul eater!", "bloodsucker!", and "leech!" from the sidelines. She even wore her Team Jacob shirt for effect.

Suddenly, when Edward was drinking his eightieth glass of alcohol, he started spluttering worse than ever. Maybe he had drank his quota of human beverages for the day, or maybe an intergalactic alien society had beamed down an invisible laser on him, we may never know.

"Edward, you don't have to do this!" shouted Bella.

"Yes I do, Bella." Edward strained. "I need to protect you."

"No, Edward, you really don't get it," said Bella. "I'm fine! You don't have to do any of this; you're just helping some villain from a different franchise that could potentially steal our viewers,"

Edward looked dumbfounded. "So I'm not protecting you in any way?" he asked, thunderstruck.

"Nope," shrugged Bella.

At that point, Edward knocked over his table.

"Why am I doing this then?" he asked brightly.

"Beats me," said Bella, "Stephenie Meyer probably has some explanation that she stole from somewhere else,"

They shrugged.

"We forfeit!" Edward shouted.

"Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no!" said President Snow as he ran airily over. "Edward, Edward, Edward you don't really want to forfeit do you? I mean, really, the Hunger Games series isn't taking any of your readers away, Twilight's still on top!"

Edward sniffed. "Not according to the Kid's Choice Awards. Did you know that Catching Fire won Book of the Year?"

"Oh really?" asked President Snow excitedly, "It must have been because of that darling little scene that Katniss and I share near the beginning. Or the tumultuous ending. I remember crying so much when Peeta was taken from Katniss by those helicopters –I mean, not that I cared. Anyways, Edward think of all the awards Twilight has won. There's no need to forfeit now."

"Actually Mr. President, sir, it says in the rules that after a forfeit occurs the opposing team must win," bubbled Effie Trinket from the stands.

"Oh who cares?" spurted President Snow. "Who's side are you on anyway? Why are you even here?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Effie aimlessly. "The talented author was probably just too lazy to write me in for a reason, like in Lost, you know? She could just be making it up as she goes along. Or she could be going for a confusing Joss Whedon-esque style."

There was a pause as the audience contemplated this.

"I'm sorry Edward," said Effie, blowing him a kiss. 'But I must pronounce Haymitch the winner."

"Hooray!" chorused Katniss and Peeta as Gale, Madge and Prim ran in to congratulate them.

High fives and cheering ensued and the crowd began emptying but President Snow stayed ever present on his side of the field to ask the party what event would take place the following day.

"I still don't get it," Gale said when the celebration had died down a bit. "Why was that vampire having so much trouble doing those shots?"

"Well, Gale," said Peeta helpfully. "To use an analogy, alcohol is to vampires as you, romantically, are to Katniss,"

Gale glared at him.

"But you have me now, right" smiled Madge.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Gale, putting an arm around her.

"That didn't sound very sincere. Gale are you sure that-"

"Yes, Madge, we've been through this a hundred times. I'm over Katniss."

Madge had always been self conscious about a trait Gale loved about Katniss that she couldn't possess: perfect scowl.

"Haymitch!" Katniss was shouting at her mentor, who was still tipping the shots into his mouth. "Haymitch, we won! You can stop drinking now!"

She pulled the glass out of his hand.

"Yes," said Haymitch dizzily. "We won." Then he tipped off his stool.

Just then, President Snow walked up to the group.

"Hello," he grumbled, still sore from the loss. "Since we had a deal that you could pick the events you compete in, I must ask you what you request for tomorrow,"

The gang looked at each other.

"Well, we could-" began Katniss.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" interrupted Gale. "You guys have been doing everything so far and I really want to show the Capitol and that Edward guy whose boss! I'm going to do this challenge."

"Okay," said Katniss.

"That's it?" asked Gale, taken aback. "I thought I'd have to yell a bit more. After all, it is what I seem to do best,"

"Well what will it be then?" the President asked, annoyed, as if he'd rather be somewhere else, which was true because Gossip Girl was on. He was just dying to see if Chuck and Blair would finally get back together.

"Well, I'm good at hunting," suggested Gale.

"Negative," piped up Prim. "Katniss is better.

"Oh, I got it! A scowling contest!" Gale tried again.

"Uh, Katniss is better," said Peeta.

"I'm a great miner," Gale said hopefully.

"The mines were blown up in the rebellion, Gale, with the rest of District12!" shouted Katniss. "Jeez do you ever pay attention?"

"Oh yeah," Gale mused. "I was wondering why we had to start this new colony,"

"What's the competition going to be?" asked President Snow impatiently. "I haven't got all day and Twitter informs me that Dan and Serena have gotten back together and then broke up in the first ten minutes of Gossip Girl!"

Gale thought for a minute and then it dawned on him.

"Well," he said darkly, "There is one thing that I can do better than anyone."

"What is it?" asked Madge. "Constantly hate the Capitol?"

"Provide for me and my mother when my sister was in the Games?" added Prim.

"Try, and fail, to steal my girlfriend?" finished Peeta.

"No," said Gale.

Then, mysterious western music started playing from who knows where and everyone looked around in wonder.

"If there's one thing I can do better than anyone…"

"Spit it out!" shouted a random spectator. "The suspense is killing me!"

"The one thing I can do better than anyone…is wrangle a squirrel," Gale finished and everyone else looked awestruck.

"A squirrel wrangling contest it is!" said the President.

**Review!**


	4. Squirrel Wrangling Time

**Hello all! Yay, now that I'm finished my The Mockingjay fanfic this can finally have some attention. I do not own Twitter, Apple, How I Met Your Mother, Alcoholics Anonymous, Facebook, Myspace, Youtube, Gmail, Instant Messenger, Photo Bucket, Simon Cowell, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Shania Twain, Kanye West, the VMAs, Lady Antebellum, To Kill A Mockingbird, Miley Cyrus, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sarah Micelle Gellar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Twilight, AND The Hunger Games.**

Chapter 4: Squirrel Wrangling Time (Plus They All Realize They Have Southern Accents)

Katniss woke up on the morning of the Squirrel Wrangling contest and went downstairs to the kitchen to find Peeta waiting for her, as usual, with a bagel in his hand. Because bagels are good. And healthy for you. Anyways, she walked over to him to talk about the days competition.

"Do you think we're in good shape for the competition today?" Peeta asked her.

"I don't know," returned Katniss, "Gale and his twig arms, I don't know if he could wrangle a squirrel."

"Hey! You get mad when _I _make fun of Gale!"

"True, but that doesn't mean I can't make fun of him." Peeta was about to make a retort when Katniss said, "Hang on a second, Twitter update from my iPhone."

"When did you get an iPhone?" Peeta wondered aloud.

"Oh Edward gave me one. Madge too, he gets a lot of them free for doing the advertisements,"

"Oh, is that what he's doing when he stares off into the distance and sounds scripted-er than usual."

Katniss shrugged nonchalantly, "I guess," she said.

"Well, I don't really like that you're spending so much time with him. It's like fraternizing with the enemy," said Peeta.

"Relax, Peeta," said Katniss, blowing it off with a wave of her hand. "Madge and I just went over to his place last night for a little while. We watched some How I Met Your Mother, it was no big deal."

"Well," Peeta sighed. "It feels like we never talk anymore. I didn't even know you got a Twitter account. Don't you think you're getting a little addicted to social media outlets?"

"No," Katniss scoffed. The scoff worried Peeta. It was the same kind of scoff that Haymitch made when the two of them tried to take him to Alcoholics Anonymous, before the infamous duck incident.

"But you already have a facebook, myspace, youtube, gmail, instant messenger, and photo bucket. You're always on photo bucket." Peeta continued.

Katniss rubbed her left temple impatiently. "Look, Peeta, just let me read this message,"

Peeta stood sullenly as Katniss tended to her addiction. He started to worry as her eyes turned round and a shocked expression overtook her face. He raced over to her.

"Katniss!" he shouted. "Katniss, what is it?"

"Oh my gosh," she started saying. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!"

Peeta looked down at her, bewildered. Katniss hadn't freaked out this much since Mockingjay came out and they read it together, waiting with baited breath every time they had to turn a page. Peeta remembered it well, Katniss running around shouting things to people like Prim and Madge, "You were dead!" or to him, "You were hijacked!" to Haymitch, "You didn't really change much!", or to Gale, "You were just a jerk and our friendship ended. It was horrible. Let's promise never to end our friendship!" Finally she just stood outside on the front lawn weeping, "It was all so unresolved!" This was even worse than that. It was like Katniss was coming to terms with her own identity. She had discovered something about herself that she had never known.

"Katniss, what is it?" Peeta kept shouting, but Katniss refused to answer him. He briefly wondered if she had randomly become an Avox. "Katniss!" he shouted, she just shook her head.

Finally, Peeta was resolved that they would have to meet the others in the stadium so they wouldn't be disqualified from the team. He brought Katniss along with him, but she still refused to speak. Only when she, Peeta, Haymitch, Gale, Madge, and Prim had congregated in the field, did she tell them what was wrong.

"I have something to say to y'all," she said to them.

She didn't have to say it for them to be able to tell that something was different. Gale was the first to respond, after pacing back and forth for a few moments and running a hand through his dark hair.

"Katniss," he started. "Why is your voice all funny? And did you just say, "y'all"?"

Katniss hung her head and held out her iPhone. "You can all read the tweet right here. Suzanne Collins stated that all of us from District 12 have southern accents," she finished in her new southern twang.

The others gasped. They were southern gasps.

"Come on guys; don't get your feathers ruffled! We still have to compete in this challenge,"

"Well shut my mouth," said Gale. "I'll get it down in two shakes of a lamb's tail and then we have to put an end to this nonsense,"

"You kids are being young whippersnappers," said Haymitch, "We best be done with the squirrel wrangling before we talk about this. Gosh darnit, I could use a bottle."

"Golly gee, Katniss this explains so much," said Peeta.

She squinted. "Like what?"

"Well, some of the lines in Mockingjay were pretty Southern,"

Just then something dawned in Katniss, she looked at the others with big eyes. "You guys think I can sing right?"

There were murmurs of assent from the group. Plus Simon Cowell from the Cake Off appeared and said "Actually-" before being pushed away by the others.

"Katniss is a great singer, when she'll let you hear her," said Prim good naturedly.

"Well," said Katniss. "I think I'm a country singer!"

"NO!" the others shouted as Madge said, "Come on, Katniss, some country singers have been very successful like Carrie Underwood and Shania Twain. I would say Taylor Swift, but she only has a five note range,"

"That's true," said Prim. "And she got totally pwned by Kanye West at last years VMAs," she added a "gosh darnit," remembering she was country now.

Just then Haymitch's cell phone went off. His ring-tone was Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. Haymitch liked the song because of repeated references of whiskey and drunken behaviour. Though he usually drank before and after a quarter after one. The song also happened to be country.

"Stop mocking me!" Katniss shouted.

"To mock a mockingjay…" Gale said. He couldn't resist. Katniss glared at him, but also registered that it would be a good sequel to "To Kill A Mockingbird".

As Katniss sniffled into Peeta's chest about being demoted from pop sensation to country starlet (granted she had never been either) President Snow sauntered over.

"Well, well, well," he said menacingly, "Who's the one with an accent now?"

Katniss and Gale scowled at him, remembering all their days in the woods making fun of the weird Capitol accent. Looking back, it made so much more sense now that they were southern. It turns out, they were the ones with the accent all along.

"I hate to interrupt your little meeting, Miley Cyrus," he jabbed at Katniss, "But we really best be getting to the contest,"

Dejectedly, the group followed snow to the center of the stadium. Edward was already there, with Bella and Renesmee for moral support. Two corals were between the parties, each holding one squirrel up for wrangling.

"Action!" shouted Cressida, who was the permanent camerawoman in the story now after Mockingjay's release.

And then President Snow was off saying hello to Panem TV screens across the nation. Once the pleasantries were over he explained the event. "The rules of this contest are simple, the squirrel wrangler must pin their squirrel down for a total of three seconds. Damaged squirrels will result in point withdrawal."

Katniss was thunderstruck, as was Peeta to some extent. "Are you serious?" she asked the President. "You had no problem sending kids into arenas to kill twenty three children for seventy five years and you're going to deduct points if we injure a squirrel?"

President Snow grinned evilly. "Well I like squirrels and I don't like children, particularly you two. That star crossed lovers thing, whoever couldn't tell that was a strategy was LAME! Edit that out," he noted to Cressida.

"For your information, we're a couple now," Peeta and Katniss said in unison.

"Oh really?" President Snow's voice turned sweet as he walked over to them. "That's great I'm so happy for you, but Gale how do you feel about this?"

Gale shrugged, "I'm fine with it."

Snow's eyes fell on Madge, "Oh you're with this charming young lady, who is adorable, I wish it happened in the real Mockingjay. Funny how our little universe remains intact."

The characters pondered that for a second. Most of them were supposed to be dead. Then Snow turned back to Katniss and Peeta. "I mean, ah this is horrible. I might have to deal with an offspring of yours someday?"

Katniss started at the word offspring but Peeta stood his ground.

"Oh well," Snow muttered to himself. "I guess I could just reinstate the Hunger Games and send into it whatever demon spawn you produce,"

Renesmee turned around from the other side of the stadium, "Did some say demon spawn?" she asked. Everyone ignored her, Katniss was still glaring at President Snow for threatening the children she knew she and Peeta would never have (for the record, they had two according to the Epilogue).

"On second thought," President Snow quaked under her eternal scowl. "Good luck to you!"

The event really had to start now as they were behind schedule quite a lot. President Snow started counting down to the starting point.

"Three," he boomed.

"This will be a piece of cake," they heard Edward say to Bella and the demon spawn from across the way.

"But your piece of cake was horrible," Peeta muttered under his breath and Gale gave him a nod.

"Nice one," he said.

"Just like eating the deer for dinner last night, only no killing," Edward continued, oblivious of the exchange.

"Two," said President Snow as Prim bad mouthed Edward.

"See, that's another reason to hate him, he eats innocent deer for dinner," she babbled on.

"Prim," said Katniss, "Last night we ate an innocent deer for dinner,"

"LA LA LA!" Prim shouted as she often did when Katniss talked about the prey that made up her meals, with her hands pressed flatly over her little ears.

"One!" shouted the President.

The corals opened up and the spectators were the first to see the unfair sight. Edward's squirrel was not a squirrel at all, it was an adorable little chipmunk named Alvin who was disguised as a squirrel and had a natural talent for singing. Gale's on the other hand must have been a muttation because it was rabid and beastly and stood at least six feet tall.

The two squirrel wranglers charged into battle. Blows came on both sides, from the squirrels and the wranglers. Although Alvin was small it turned out that he really hated Edward Cullen and was a rugged fighter. He sang under his breath as he big the marble ankles. The rabid squirrel Gale faced was foaming at the mouth, he looked like the crazy one from Disney Pixar's Over the Hedge.

For the Mockingjay Forces it looked grim, Edward had his hand cupped down over Alvin and was counting the seconds.

"One," he said, "Two,"

"HEY EDWARD, SOMEONE'S DROPPIN' YOUR STUPID VOLVO INTO A DITCH!" shouted Prim frantically. "AND I CAN NOW TELL THAT IT'S VICTORIA, SHE'S CAME BACK TO THE DEAD TO KILL BELLA!"

Edward whipped around before he could utter three and Alvin scurried away from him, but, to his dismay, the Volvo was no where in sight and neither was his arch-nemesis Victoria.

In the coral opposite Gale finally had a handle on The Beast, as they referred to the squirrel from this point onward. He was telling the truth when he said that the one thing he could do better than anyone was wrangling a squirrel. That and, upon discovering his southernisms, the Hoe-Down Throw-Down. He had The Beast down and was slung over top of it.

"ONE, TWO, THREE, I BEAT THE DOG-ON BEAST!" he shouted in glory, as President Snow was forced to admit that the Mockingjay Forces had won yet again. Gale was just getting up to run out to the others and celebrate when The Beast got angrily to its feet behind him and charged Gale, biting his leg.

"AHH!" Gale shouted in agony. Prim and Mrs. Everdeen rushed over to him and checked him over quickly.

"He injured his leg," said Mrs. Everdeen. "It's not too severe, but he can't compete in any of the challenges until it heals and that'll take weeks."

"Isn't this a pickle," said President Snow. "You'll be forced to forfeit if you don't have a fifth member to your team."

"Well I'll be Mr. President, that ain't never been a rule before!" shouted Katniss. "What about Prim? She can be our fifth member?"

"I'm afraid not," said Snow with a smirk. "She was never part of your original group and has never participated in any of the challenges. The only way you can have another player substitute in is if they are on neither of our sides so they are biased. It would be helpful if they were from a different dimension or fandom. But that's impossible. I guess you're out of the running and I have successfully humiliated you in front of Panem."

Snow was still smirking but behind him Katniss saw an extraordinary site. Behind President Snow there was a swirling purple vortex and she could see a figure of a girl stepping out of it. The girl was holding something that looked like a stake and a confused expression on her face. She had blonde hair and was very pretty and –screw this, just picture Sarah Michelle Gellar in the good old age of 2001.

"Hey scoobies…you're not the scoobies," she said, looking around at them. "Who are you?"

"First of all little missy who are you?" asked Haymitch.

"Hey am I Texas? 'Cause you guys sound southern," asked the newcomers.

"No," said Katniss, affronted, "I mean, we _are _southern, I guess, but this isn't Texas. This is Panem."

The Sarah Michelle Gellar character cocked her head to one side, "Well I'm from Sunnydale, California. I'm Buffy Summers."

Watching the girl and thinking about their dire need for a new team member, Katniss got a certain idea. The girl, Buffy, looked like she could handle herself, she was carrying a weapon, and she even had an important air about her that beloved characters all shared. She belonged to a fandom alright.

"Look, Buffy," Katniss started to ask, slowly because the girl was still a stranger to them. "We really could use your help,"

Buffy perked up. "What kind of help?" she asked.

"Well, we're battling this evil guy and we really need a new member on our team."

Buffy contemplated. "Is there vampires involved?"

Katniss looked confused, "Well, yeah one," she said.

"Evil you say?" asked Buffy. "I fight evil. And vampires. I can help you."

President Snow looked angrily down at his feet, foiled again. Meanwhile Buffy turned to Edward, sharpening her stake nonchalantly, she could spot a vampire from twenty miles away. Things were about to get interesting.

**So I hope you guys enjoyed that. I want to make it clear that I'm not against southern accents, I LOVE them like I love every other accent and am jealous of any of you that has one. Please review, make suggestions for what other weird things I can tie into this, and have a wonderful day!**


	5. Archery, and Seriousness

**I shouldn't even try to explain the lack of updates but it's basically because I really detested Mockingjay and stopped writing my Hunger Games fanfiction.**

**In the fifth chapter of T vs. V, things get serious...well as serious as crackfics get. Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, Twilight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Glee, Gossip Girl, or anything else referenced here. If I did, well, there would be a lot less sense-making.**

Chapter 5

Buffy was still standing with a stake in her right hand staring at Edward, who was looking at her in his peripheral vision. He had just stepped outside of the coral he had been wrangling in and Alvin the Chipmunk was still snarling at the sparkling vampire. Gale was lying on the ground, his battle wounds from the beast still stinging painfully. Madge was bent over him, checking to see if he was okay, and Prim and Mrs. Everdeen were running over with healing supplies. Behind Edward were Bella and Renesmee, standing frozen in their tracks. Katniss, Peeta, and Haymitch were confronting Buffy, the newcomer, while President Snow angrily surveyed the scene. No one moved a muscle.

"Ah!" Katniss exclaimed in agony, shaking her body. "My foot's asleep! I feel like I haven't moved for at least four months."

After Katniss had broken the spell by speaking, the others unfroze, unaware that somewhere an author was typing away at a keypad, after a long pause of procrastination. The characters looked at Katniss, and then looked at themselves, then back at Katniss.

"No, I don't feel any different," said Peeta. The others murmured in assent.

"Oh," Katniss said. "It must be a heroin thing."

Buffy took two steps towards Katniss and nodded. "Yeah, I get that too sometimes," she said.

Just then, the others remembered that they could move again and the scene launched back into action. Gale was rushed onto a stretcher by Prim and Mrs. Everdeen as Madge watched worriedly and Haymitch walked up to Buffy, surveying her like she was a tribute in the Games up for inspection. President Snow was in a panic.

"This is outrageous!" he cried. "It's impossible! I mean –ah," he cut himself off. It must be possible back in Sunnydale, California. The TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer could justify just about anything –people dying and coming back to life, little sisters appearing out of thin air, musical episodes for no reason...President Snow shook his head. He knew he wasn't going to be able to talk Buffy out of this. Her mixture of witty comebacks and nice character development was too much for him. Snow had watched the show. Even though it was old, it was his guilty pleasure. He knew it was no use arguing.

"You know what, fine," said Snow, pacing back and forth like a maniac. "But let's make this quick, I have an old episode of Gossip Girl PVR'd for this evening," President Snow wasn't coping well with the break between Gossip Girl's new episodes so he had to go back and re-watch the first couple seasons. Pretty Little Liars was okay, but it just wasn't cutting it.

Buffy's head snapped up. "Was it an episode with Dawn, I mean Georgina, in it?"

President Snow looked miffed. "No," he said uncertainly.

"Oh," said Buffy, looking forlorn. "I've been wondering where she went off to."

"No matter," said Snow, clapping his hands together. "I guess I have to ask you lot what stupid challenge you want to compete in against Edward tomorrow,"

"Er...yes," stuttered Edward, still eying the stake in Buffy's hand. In his world, vampires could only be killed by fire, but he had heard of stakes and what he had heard hadn't been good.

"So," said Haymitch, "What contest do you think we should beat this bloodsucker at next?" Prim looked at Haymitch with an approving nod. _Bloodsucker_ was a term that she used to describe Edward too, as well as leech, vamploser, and some other names that Katniss didn't let her say.

"I'm not sure," said Peeta fairly. "Buffy is the guest, and the new member to our team, maybe we should let her decide."

Katniss looked sharply with narrowed eyes. "Shouldn't I decide? I mean, I am the heroin."

Buffy stalked over to her, "Well I'm the slayer," she said slowly. "The one and only. I was chosen, remember?"

Haymitch looked from Katniss to Buffy and could sense the tension and mounting dislike between the two strong females. He didn't know whether to stop the fight before it started or to watch the scene play out. He decided on the later and grabbed some popcorn from a vendor who just happened to be conveniently close by.

"No, we don't remember," said Katniss suddenly. "None of us watched your stupid show, it's from like the nineties,"

President Snow raised his hand quietly, saw no one was paying attention to him, and put it back down. He, for one, had enjoyed Buffy.

"You know Katniss," said Peeta, "It's the nineties right now, so it can't have been that long ago.

"No, Peeta," said Katniss. "This show was made in the 1990s. Right now it's the 8090s! "Oh," said Gale from his stretcher. "It all makes sense now!"

"Anyways, I'm the slayer," Buffy said huffily. "I'm the one girl called to fight off evil,"

"One girl?" asked President Snow mischeviously. "That's not how I remember it. Kendra? Faith? And what about all the potentials? Does anyone here remember that?"

"We already said we don't watch the show," said Katniss.

"Well you should," snapped the President. "You all should. But anyways, pick the challenge that you'll conpete in tomorrow and we can all get out of here,"

The gang looked at each other as Buffy eyed Edward.

"So why am I just going to compete in some pointless test when I could just stake this guy," she jabbed a thumb in Edward's direction.

"No!" shouted Bella emotionlessly. "You can't stake Edward, he is the only thing pure and good in this world!"

"I'm afraid you're right, Mary-Sue," said Haymitch distastefully. "Stakes don't kill vampires in Edward's world so Buffy couldn't kill him with one. And there aren't even vampires in this world so I don't think that helps,"

Everyone accepted this for what it was and didn't ask questions, for which Haymitch was grateful. If they thought about how much he really knew about the Twilight world they could discover his secret. Haymitch was a closest Twilight fan. One of his friends at Alcoholics Anonymous had introduced him to it before the duck incident.

"Ahem," coughed Snow. "The challenge?"

"Well Buffy, what else are you good at apart from staking vampires?" asked Peeta.

Katniss's jaw dropped. Peeta was talking to Buffy again? He was giving her the choice when it should be Katniss's was every heroin's worst nightmare: their chosen hero fraternising with another of their kind.

Buffy pondered the question. There was a lot of things she was good at that wouldn't be helpful in this situation, shopping, figure skating...but one idea stood out in her mind.

Well, I'm really good at archery,"

Katniss whipped around. "What did you say?" she asked dangerously.

"I'm really good at archery," Buffy repeated, clueless.

Haymitch, who could tell that this was going to get out of hand, and fast, excitedly nudged the popcorn vendor and said, "Oh damn,"

"Um, Haymitch, who are you talking to?" asked Prim. The others too turned around to look at Haymitch. He appeared to be holding an invisible something and talking to a non-existent stranger.

Haymitch himself glanced at the vendor and his popcorn. "What you guys can't see this too?" The other shook their heads. "Oh," said Haymitch with sudden realization. "It makes so much more sense that you're just a hallucination from my drinking," he told the vendor. "That's why you were so unexplainably convenient." The vendor nodded.

The President yawned pointedly. "Hello? Bored now," he said. "So an archery contest it is, who will compete in it is up to you to figure out," he directed toward Haymitch.

Katniss and Buffy made similar disbelieving faces when the President spoke of how they needed to be dealt with. Snow rolled his eyes.

"This is why girls are harder to keep in line," he said to himself. "From Serena van der Woodsen to Rachel Berry they are a handful. Boys are much easier, come along Edward."

Edward scampered up to the President followed by Renesmee and Bella. The President's helicopter started to descend to pick him up along with his team.

"You know, boys can be petty too." said Buffy. "Xander and Angel don't play nice together. Also Giles says I'm easy to deal with, way better than Faith!"

"Yes well," said the President curtly. "We'll see you all bright and early for another challenge. Good luck, you really need it." Edward smiled a dazzling smile and with that the helicopter flew off, carrying the bad guys with it.

_ Miles away in Sunnydale California four students sat around a table in the library. An English looking old lad was standing at the head of the table. The gang had just been in the middle of a discussion about the latest apocalypse that threatened the hellmouth. _

_ "I don't know," said Alexander Harris, "Maybe that Anya chick could help us, I heard she witnessed ascension."_

_ "Yes well, when Buffy goes on her patrol tonight she'll have to be extra careful that she doesn't run into the mayor or any of his henchmen," said the English looking fellow who turned out to be English, his name was Rupert Giles. "By the way, where is Buffy?"_

_ "I don't know," said Willow Rosenburg nervously. "I thought she was just here, weird." Oz notices her distress and pulled her closer, thinking something profound but not saying it._

_ "I don't think we should worry about it," said Cordelia. "I mean, it's not the first time she's disappeared."_

The next morning Katniss woke up angry. She'd been stewing about the Buffy situation all night. The team still hadn't decided who would compete in the archery competition. It was absolute madness to pick Buffy, Katniss thought. It had been she, Katniss, who'd won a couple Hunger Games' on arrows alone. _Whatever,_ she thought. She smelled Peeta's excellent cooking and went downstairs. She suspected he was making cookies. Peeta often made cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It was the main cause of a slight obesity epidemic in District 12. Katniss and Peeta didn't know it, but the others were planning an intervention.

When Katniss entered her modest little kitchen a shocking sight met her eyes. **Buffy Summers** was sitting in her kitchen, laughing and smiling at **Peeta**, who was cooking _her_ breakfast!

"Thanks for letting me stay at your place last night, and for bringing me to Katniss's. I feel we got off on the wrong foot yesterday, but I didn't want to stay at your place all alone. Plus, there's nowhere fun to go in the meantime. You guys don't even have a Bronze," said Buffy.

"Haha, well, the thing you're going to realize about Panem, Buffy, is that we don't really have fun places." Peeta smiled good naturedly and sat down next to Buffy, drizzling syrup over his own pancakes.

"You're right. Sunnydale's just a hell mouth, not a hell." Buffy said.

"You can only imagine," answered Peeta.

"Actually, I can," Buffy said, looking at her food. "I've actually read the books."

"Really?" Peeta asked, his blue eyes wide with curiosity.

"Yeah, me and the books don't really get along well, but Willow wouldn't stop gushing about them so I thought I'd give it a shot." Buffy joked.

"And?" asked Peeta.

"Well I love the first two, but Mockingjay...train wreck of a novel."

"I agree."

This was all too much for Katniss to take. After posting an angsty status on Twitter via her new iPhone 4 she stormed over to the two characters, in a complete huff.

"What's she doing here?" she shouted at Peeta, eyeing Buffy with imminent dislike.

"Oh, hi Katniss," said Peeta brightly. "Buffy stayed at my house last night because she had nowhere else to go, and she didn't think of asking you. I hope that's okay," he added as an afterthought. "I brought her here because she wanted to talk to you about today's challenge."

"Yeah," said Buffy, getting up and walking over to Katniss. "I know that archery's kind of your thing, Peeta filled me in _last night_, but I'm feeling you're kind of amateur. You should really let me do it, as I have superpowers and all."

Buffy cocked her head to the side, her blonde curls falling perfectly across her shoulders looking all together sweet and perfect. Katniss's eyes narrowed again.

"No!" said Katniss. "You're right, you have superpowers, but you were given them. I have natural-born skill! _I _will be representing our team in the archery challenge because _you _don't even belong in Panem, while _I _have three twenty seven chapter books dedicated to me struggle!"

Buffy walked slowly and ominously up to Katniss. "I have seven seasons," she said. "And that's not including guest spots on Angel."

Peeta got up from his chair. "Girls, calm down," he said to the others. "I'm sure we can find a compromise for this situation," he finished fairly.

"STAY OUT OF IT, PEETA!" shouted Katniss and Buffy in unison. They looked as if they might kill each other. Katniss hadn't felt this angry at another female since the Quarter Quell with Johanna Masen, and the President Coin situation in Mockingjay but everyone was quite used to pretending the events of Mockingjay never happened.

Just then, Edward Cullen walked into the house, looking as beautifully pristine as ever. He sauntered over to the quarrelling girls, and Peeta, with a smirk on his face.

"Hi friends," he said to them. "Oh Katniss, I see you're using your new iPhone 4." Edward reached over and took the iPod touch from Katniss to hold it up, staring at that old invisible camera again. "The iPod touch," he said in his velvet voice. "Even vampires love them," Edward tossed the iPod back to Katniss and continued on with his message. "I just wanted to tell you all that the President sent me and the archery competition will be starting shortly,"

"We better get going," said Peeta to the other two, but Katniss wasn't listening. She was busy fawning over Edward and his vampiric charms again. She even giggled, twirling a strand of her hair between her fingers, and Katniss was not a giggler.

"We'll see who will be competing soon, Buffy," said Katniss menacingly. "Peeta, don't talk to her." she ordered, before smiling up at Edward again.

"No!" shouted Peeta. "I'll talk to her if I want to!"

Katniss turned around, affronted.

"That's right," said Peeta. "Maybe I don't like you talking to Edward!" He strode over to Katniss and took the iPod touch out of her hand so she would have to listen to him, and not tend to her Twitter addiction. "Maybe I don't like that you flirt with sparkle boy every chance you get!" he continued. "Maybe I don't like that you accept stupid pieces of technology from him that-" Peeta stopped, looking at the screen of the iPhone. "Is this a Hunger Games app?" he asked. "You know what, never mind how cool this is! We have to get down to times square, beat Edward in this competition, get rid of Snow, and then I'll talk to you!"

With that Peeta walked out and slammed the door behind him. Buffy was quick to follow, then Edward, and then Katniss. Haymitch, Prim, Madge, Gale, and Mrs. Everdeen were already at the scene, and so was the President, Cressida, and the rest of the camera crew. Bella and Renesmee were missing today as it would be a one on one challenge. As soon as Katniss and Buffy arrived, Haymitch walked up to them.

"Look, girls, I've been thinking a lot about who will represent us in the archery challenge," Katniss and Buffy nodded. "And I've decided it will be Buffy."

"What!" exclaimed Katniss.

"Now, calm down Katniss. The only reason is that I'm afraid that you will be distracted by Edwards glorious topaz eyes and his wonderfully tousled bronze hair. I mean his perfect smooth skin and adorably crooked smile that I, I mean you, think is beautiful. If I said "I" in that sentence I meant "you"."

There was an uncomfortable silence in which Haymitch pretended to see the popcorn vendor again to get out of the conversation.

"Well," said Haymitch, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. "Let's get this show on the road,"

"I couldn't agree more," said the President, stepping out of his helicopter in which he had just finished watching the latest glee episode on his portable DVD player. Two words: Darren Criss.

The stage was set for the challenge. Three of those multicolour circles for target practice were set out and there were sheaths of arrows lined up on each side. Edward was already standing on his half of the stage. Haymitch went up with Buffy to get her settled and Katniss had to swallow hard over the lump rising in her throat. He was supposed to be her mentor. _No use for me to be here,_ Katniss thought to herself. _I might as well leave, I'm sure someone will fill me in later._ With that, Katniss was running away from the stage and out to the woods, over the electric fence to sit down on her favourite log. No one could bother her there –or so she thought.

She knew who it was before he got there, the heavy footfalls were enough to give anyone away. "Katniss?" asked Peeta.

Katniss looked up from the log. "What?" she snapped. "Why are you here, didn't you want to watch Buffy try to shoot some arrows?"

Peeta sat down next to her. "No," he said. "I brought you something," Peeta threw some paperwork into her lap so Katniss read through it quickly.

"A press release?" she asked him.

"Yeah," he said, putting an arm around her. "It says that Kristen Stewart isn't interested in playing your part,"

Katniss couldn't help smiling. "Oh Peeta!" she cried, throwing her arms around her. "I could never stay made at you, this is so thoughtful!"

Peeta brushed a strand of hair off Katniss's cheek. "I'm sorry for being friends with Buffy, I didn't know it would make you so mad."

Katniss shook her head, "No, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so dazzled by Edward, he's just Edward Cullen, you know?"

"I know," said Peeta. "I mean, I think I understand," he said quickly afterwards. Peeta got up and offered Katniss his hand, which she took. "What do you say we get back to the challenge and see if Edward got creamed yet?"

"Okay," said Katniss.

Just as the pair walked back to town square they heard President Snow sadly announcing that Buffy had won, keeping their team undefeated. Katniss and Peeta looked at each other and smiled with glee, running up to the rest of the team. Katniss was so happy that her hatred for Buffy was almost forgotten.

"Good job, Buffy!" Prim was shouting. "You're the best!"

"Haha, thanks squirt, you're not too bad either," Buffy joked, hugging Katniss's little sister.

"You were really good, Buff," said Gale.

"Yeah," agreed Madge.

"Peeta!" said Buffy, noticing that he and Katniss were back. "Katniss," she continued with less enthusiasm.

"So you beat him?" asked Peeta, smiling.

"Yep, that usually is how it is when a vampire meets a slayer. I wanted to introduce him to my stake, Mr. Pointy, but Haymitch said no," she pouted.

"I'm sure you did great," Peeta said, pulling her into a quick, friendly hug.

Katniss frowned and felt the poison feeling of jealousy creep up inside her. All her friends loved Buffy, Haymitch loved Buffy, Prim loved Buffy, even Peeta loved Buffy. This was it. She'd liberated Panem and saved most of their lives. They didn't need her anymore. Katniss turned around and started running back to the woods, she knew how to fend for herself out there. She didn't need people to be her friends, and they didn't need her anymore. They had Buffy.

It took Peeta a second to see her leaving. He detached himself from the celebrating crowd and starting running after her.

"Katniss, wait!"

**Review, 3 I know I'm dumb at updating, but review!**


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